//A not-so-happy ending?//

I really, really wanted to write a “its-the-end-of-the-acedemic-year-let’s-look-back-on-all-the-positive-things-that-have-happened” post, considering next Thursday I will receive my mock A Level exam results and it’ll be the end of term – aside from a few days of UCAS/univeristy application stuff, but the truth is I don’t feel happy, or relieved, or stress-free. If anything, I sort of feel kind of numb. I think with the hustle and bustle of the exam period, it’s easy to get caught up in things and distract yourself from how your emotions with the insurmountable workload that A Level revision encompasses, however since the exam week (a.k.a. last week), I’ve had more time to pay attention to my emotions and I guess you could say they’ve hit me in a sort of “wave”.

Now that the exams are over and I don’t have to worry about revising countless lists of French vocabulary or learning the order of British 20th Century Prime Ministers, my mind has found the time to start fretting over other things. One thing I’m really worried about is going on a college tip to France in two weeks. Although I am very excited, I’m also so worried that I’ll end up not enjoying the trip because I a) won’t be able to cope with the heat in Marseille, b) will panic when trying to speak French to native speakers and c) will be left out because there are only five other people going on the trip – collectively a trio and pair of best friends. I feel like I’ll just be left out of the group and be that person that no one really talks to and just tolerates because they have to, and honestly I’m becoming so irrationally paranoid about how hot it’s going to be that it’s driving me mad.

Secondly, I’m actually really not looking forward to breaking up for summer. I’ve already drifted apart from loads of my friends this year, and I feel like because they aren’t forced to put up with my on a daily basis at college, they’ll all just forget about me and I won’t see any of them throughout the summer. I do have a group of friends that I am closer with and meet up with every now and then, but they’ve all recently got into relationships and even now I hardly see them or talk to them because they’re preoccupied with their boyfriends/girlfriends, so who knows what it’ll be like over summer. I keep having those days lately where I feel like my friends don’t actually care about me and would much rather that I wasn’t part of the “group” (or rather my brain keeps telling me to feel this way). I’m sort of fed up of every time when someone says hi to me or talks to me my brain telling me “oh they don’t like you really they’re just doing that so as not to seem rude” or “everyone talks about you behind your back” etc. I guess I’m just feeling kinda lonely as even my closest friends don’t spend as much time with me or talking to me as they used to as they’d rather send their time with other people. I’m just worried that I’ll become isolated over the summer which will NOT be fun.

Then recently I keep being really hard on myself, like today in French I kept thinking “there’s no way you’ll be able to do French at uni if you can’t even say a few words in class” and I’ve just become really doubtful of my ability to do anything. It’s not that I don’t want to speak up in class more – and not just in French – it’s just my brain is kind of “bullying” me in the sense that everything I want to do or say, it mocks and puts me down to the point that I just don’t bother because I’m scared that everyone else will judge me the way I judge myself. ARGHHH CONFUSION.

Finally, I’ve been very sad and emotional over the past week because last Friday, my good friend returned home to Italy after completing her year of studying abroad at my college. I’m so, so sad that I might not be able to see her again, or at least for a long time, and I miss her terribly already. College isn’t the same without her around – she is such a lovely, funny, caring person – something that is rare nowadays. I know we can keep in touch over the internet, but it’s just not the same. 😦

So yeah, although I should be really excited that my first year of A Levels is over, and I can spend the summer having a well-deserved break, I’m just not. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll feel better, but right now I’m just so exhausted and not going through a great mental health stage, which isn’t really how I wanted to end the year.

I hope next week I’ll be back with a more positive post, or maybe before then, but until then have a lovely weekend guys. 🙂

 

//A thank you to the blogging community//

It’s me (well part of me)! Sometimes it’s easy to forget there’s a person behind each blog so here I am to say thank you to you all.

Last night before drifting off to sleep, I had the wonderful realisation of just how much blogging has become an essential part of my life. I’ve been blogging for over two years now, and it’s hard to imagine a time before I started blogging and before I met all you wonderful people. But, there was a time when I didn’t even know what a blog was – nor that such an amazing community of young bloggers existed. Before blogging, I was a very shy and reserved person and often didn’t talk to anyone about my feelings, and although I wasn’t particularly sad way back then when I was like 14/15??? (I can’t even remember haha), I have defnitely noticed changes in myself and aprreciate how much blogging has helped me to cope with sadder times in my life since then and has helped me to celebrate all the happy times too.
As blogging has just become ingrained in my life now, I feel like I do take it for granted sometimes that I have my own space on the internet where I can share my thoughts and interract with others – I just don’t take the time to sit back adn think about how wonderful this all is. Because really, the fact that such a huge, diverse, caring community of young bloggers exists is incredible. For whatever reason, we have all made the decision to sign up to WordPress and share snippets of our lives with strangers on the internet. Honestly, I think it’s amazing how I’ve met people through blogging that I would never ever have met without the help of the internet. I have met people who have become great friends, people who have taught me about other cultures and religions, people who have common interests to me, people who have been able to help me through situations that they have been through and vice versa – blogging has been such an enriching experience to me and I’d like to say thank you to everyone who has ever interracted with me on my blog or elsewhere and thank you for writing your blogs and helping me to learn more about the world.

Since blogging, I have become far more aware of other cultures and lifestyles, languages and beliefs and just generally more aware of the people who live on this wonderful planet. I’ve learnt things that I would never have learnt in education and I really feel like I’m much more of a globally-aware person now because of blogging. In addition to this, I’ve learnt loads about myself: I’ve learnt more about how I interract with other people thanks to the frinedly environment in which blogging has provided me to do this, I’ve discovered more about my own values and beliefs, I’ve found various new interests to become passionate about such as languages and politics and feminsim to name a few and most importantly I’ve disocvered more about who I am as a person and what my own identity is. The community I became part of when I first logged in to WordPress over two years ago has been so welcoming and accepting and without that – without you guys – I don’t think I would have come to terms with my own sexuality, or at least not for a few more years. Blogging has also helped me to discover what’s really important in life and see the bigger picture, instead of living in my own little bubble as I did before I started blogging – I know that whatever I’m going through, there are others going through it too and whatever dreams I want to achieve are possible as I have seen others achieve there dreams and the blogging community has never failed to provide a plethora of inspirational young people for me to look up to. I’ve learnt that compassion is one of the most important human qualities from the friends that have showed compassion towards me and I hope I have become more compassionate in other aspects of my life and aim to be even a fraction of the amazingly kind and caring people who have ade these past two years the best years of my life.

It really means so much to me to be part of a worldwide network of friends who support eachother as we all journey through our own lives and I feel so lucky to be part of this. When I started blogging, I had never communicated with strangers online and to be honest I didn’t even think that I would meet new people through blogging – I wanted just to have a space to share my thoughts and be creative – let alone make some of the best friends I’ve ever had.

So when it comes to thinking about how blogging has changed my life, there are more answers than I can count on my own hands. I’ve definitely become much more confident in myself, have become far more interested and aware of the world, I’ve done things I’d never thought I’d have the opportunity or confidence to and I’ve met extraordinary, inspirational people who I never would have had the chance to meet otherwise. I know this sort of sounds like the type of thing I might write beofre announcing I’m leaving WordPress to move on with my life because I’m NOT and I definitely don’t want to leave anytime soon! I just had a random feeling of love and appreciation for blogging that I wanted to share with you all.

So finally I’d just like to say thank you for making my experience of blogging so far so amazing and I hope I can continue to grow as a person and experience new things through blogging and meet many more young people like me and help others to experience just how wonderful blogging can be. 🙂

(Also I’ve sort of run out of adjectives to describe how much I love blogging and the blogging community so sorry for the repition of ‘amazing’, ‘incredible’ and ‘wonderful’ oops).