//A not-so-happy ending?//

I really, really wanted to write a “its-the-end-of-the-acedemic-year-let’s-look-back-on-all-the-positive-things-that-have-happened” post, considering next Thursday I will receive my mock A Level exam results and it’ll be the end of term – aside from a few days of UCAS/univeristy application stuff, but the truth is I don’t feel happy, or relieved, or stress-free. If anything, I sort of feel kind of numb. I think with the hustle and bustle of the exam period, it’s easy to get caught up in things and distract yourself from how your emotions with the insurmountable workload that A Level revision encompasses, however since the exam week (a.k.a. last week), I’ve had more time to pay attention to my emotions and I guess you could say they’ve hit me in a sort of “wave”.

Now that the exams are over and I don’t have to worry about revising countless lists of French vocabulary or learning the order of British 20th Century Prime Ministers, my mind has found the time to start fretting over other things. One thing I’m really worried about is going on a college tip to France in two weeks. Although I am very excited, I’m also so worried that I’ll end up not enjoying the trip because I a) won’t be able to cope with the heat in Marseille, b) will panic when trying to speak French to native speakers and c) will be left out because there are only five other people going on the trip – collectively a trio and pair of best friends. I feel like I’ll just be left out of the group and be that person that no one really talks to and just tolerates because they have to, and honestly I’m becoming so irrationally paranoid about how hot it’s going to be that it’s driving me mad.

Secondly, I’m actually really not looking forward to breaking up for summer. I’ve already drifted apart from loads of my friends this year, and I feel like because they aren’t forced to put up with my on a daily basis at college, they’ll all just forget about me and I won’t see any of them throughout the summer. I do have a group of friends that I am closer with and meet up with every now and then, but they’ve all recently got into relationships and even now I hardly see them or talk to them because they’re preoccupied with their boyfriends/girlfriends, so who knows what it’ll be like over summer. I keep having those days lately where I feel like my friends don’t actually care about me and would much rather that I wasn’t part of the “group” (or rather my brain keeps telling me to feel this way). I’m sort of fed up of every time when someone says hi to me or talks to me my brain telling me “oh they don’t like you really they’re just doing that so as not to seem rude” or “everyone talks about you behind your back” etc. I guess I’m just feeling kinda lonely as even my closest friends don’t spend as much time with me or talking to me as they used to as they’d rather send their time with other people. I’m just worried that I’ll become isolated over the summer which will NOT be fun.

Then recently I keep being really hard on myself, like today in French I kept thinking “there’s no way you’ll be able to do French at uni if you can’t even say a few words in class” and I’ve just become really doubtful of my ability to do anything. It’s not that I don’t want to speak up in class more – and not just in French – it’s just my brain is kind of “bullying” me in the sense that everything I want to do or say, it mocks and puts me down to the point that I just don’t bother because I’m scared that everyone else will judge me the way I judge myself. ARGHHH CONFUSION.

Finally, I’ve been very sad and emotional over the past week because last Friday, my good friend returned home to Italy after completing her year of studying abroad at my college. I’m so, so sad that I might not be able to see her again, or at least for a long time, and I miss her terribly already. College isn’t the same without her around – she is such a lovely, funny, caring person – something that is rare nowadays. I know we can keep in touch over the internet, but it’s just not the same. 😦

So yeah, although I should be really excited that my first year of A Levels is over, and I can spend the summer having a well-deserved break, I’m just not. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll feel better, but right now I’m just so exhausted and not going through a great mental health stage, which isn’t really how I wanted to end the year.

I hope next week I’ll be back with a more positive post, or maybe before then, but until then have a lovely weekend guys. 🙂

 

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Author: Em is Lost

I'm a teenage blogger who loves adventure and the great outdoors. I enjoy blogging about a range of topics including scouting, politics, feminism, world affairs and the life of a teenager in general.

12 thoughts on “//A not-so-happy ending?//”

  1. I think once you escape the “revision bubble”, things often seem to hit you all of a sudden – emotions gone wild, a sudden need to sleep for days on end, mind games wreaking havoc with your mental health. I’ve drifted away from a lot of people since leaving school, but have learnt that my closest friends are always there for me – even if we haven’t spoken in a while or seen each other for a few weeks/ months. Keep in mind that even if your mind is playing tricks on you right now, that if you set your mind to something then you are capable, through determination and hard work, of achieving it. I could never have foreseen what I’d end up doing (I applied for a completely different course and switched within weeks of starting university), but I’m so glad I took the plunge. Perhaps one day you’ll be able to visit your friend in Italy 🙂 Enjoy Marseille, and hope you feel in a better place soon.

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    1. Yes that’s exactly what it feels like, I kind of wish I had tonnes of work to do again so I could preoccupy my mind with that. That’s true I suppose, it’s hard to adjust to drifting apart from friends when I’ve spent the past five years – or 12 in some cases – seeing the same people every day at school, but now I only see most of my oldest friends once a month. Thank you, I will try to remember your advice, I think sometimes the thing that’s right for you is the thing that’s hardest to do – I know I could chose the “easier” option and go down the route of geography or history (my other a levels) but it wouldn’t be the thing I’m passionate about. I hope so too and thank you very much for your comment, it’s cheered me up a little😊

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      1. I’m sure you’ll have tons of work again soon enough – and with languages especially it’s always good to go over things over the summer so you feel on your toes in September. It’s definitely harder at the point when people begin to break away, but with time you do adapt – I’ve known one of my friends since nursery, and it’s strange to have gone from seeing her every day for fourteen years or so to just seeing her when I happen to be back in my hometown. I guess that’s life, to some extent, and it’s up to us to make the best of it. Given you’ll spend three (or four with a language involved) years of your life focusing on one or two subjects, it’s definitely best to pick the subject(s) you’re most interested in. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it would be to write a 3,000 word essay on a topic you’re not so fussed on! Glad it’s cheered you up a little, it’s all about the small things in life when you’re feeling low 🙂

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        1. Yes that’s true, I’ll need to keep practicing French so I don’t forget it by September. Yeah, I suppose the important friends will always make time to see me even if we can’t get together often. That’s definitely true? I can’t envisage myself spending another three years doing subjects I’m not passionate about. Thank you for your advice 😊

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  2. When I finished A-Levels, I did have a feeling of numbness too, and thought ‘what’s going to happen now’?! Since I won’t have the busyness of trying to revise, or getting together with friends – all that is over now, and you’re just stuck with not knowing what to do! I do understand that. Just relax, and hit your friends up from time to time, meet up and try new things this summer 🙂 And relax!!! (My mind bullies me into not speaking up as well) xx

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  3. Well, congrats on finishing A-Levels! Also, I hope you have a wonderful trip. I also hope you feel better too. It’s crazy to think how many people are feeling the exact same way you are, but when we look around it seems like everyone is perfectly fine. And yes it is so weird to not be working on something anymore. Like what am I supposed to do now? Relax? Ha! I’ll try. And you should too, you deserve it! And buy one of those mini battery-powered fans that spray water. I hate the heat too but those things make it bearable.

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  4. Almost immediately after ending my IB exams (an international equivalent to A Levels), I started volunteering and later did an internship, so I guess that was how I prevented myself from feeling bored. But I do agree; you should use the time to relax, spend time with loved ones and recharge for college whenever you can. Hope you find fun 🙂

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    1. Yes it is strange, I feel like I should be glad it’s over but at the same time I don’t think I’ll be able to relax until I’ve got my results next year and know which uni I’m going to

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