//An honest message to myself//

​My heart aches, for friendship, of all things. I don’t know if it’s loneliness or longing or just jealousy. I’m surrounded by people who I call my friends but when I think of how many people I have in my life that I can tell anything to, and who truly understand and who I can be me around, I couldn’t even count them on one hand – there isn’t anyone. I have an awful habit of not letting myself get close to people, intentional or not, I don’t really know why it’s just the way I am. I find it hard to open up to myself at the best of times, let alone other people, so it sort of just feels like all of my friendships are “stuck” in this phase where we can’t become closer because I just can’t take the next step and open up to people and trust people. Most of the time, I can manage. A useful thing about being an introvert is that I don’t mind being in my own company the majority of the time, I don’t need constant human interaction and compassion to survive, but what about to thrive? To truly live?
The truth is, I do get quite lonely and then end up in a cycle of telling myself it’s my own fault for not putting enough into my friendships to help them grow and blossom into something wonderful, something that breathes life into my lungs with every word and moment shared as friends. And then I get cross with myself because it’s stupid really – why can’t I just be like everyone else and trust people enough to open up to them, and let them see who I really am? Maybe it’s because I don’t think I’m worthy of such a friendship, or think I’m annoying people so shut myself off from them more. I hate it but I can’t stop doing it. It’s like a comfort blanket – when I get close to opening up and reaching out to people, I just convince myself that I’m fine or that they don’t care about me and just crawl back into my little bubble. 
Really, I am too overprotective of myself, not wanting to let myself get hurt – I know this is something that I’m guilty of. But surely this is worse? Surely this hurts more? Constantly feeling on the outside, that all my friendships are really shallow and that if I’m having a bad day, no one bothers to check up on me because they all just assume there’s someone else I go to when I need cheering up, but there isn’t, not really. I do have the blog squad, and don’t get me wrong I love them and am very grateful for them, but it still doesn’t stop me craving friendship. 
Then I just wonder am I just being ridiculous and overexagerating? I can’t be the only person who feels so isolated from their friends and just wants to find someone who understands them for who they truly are, so why should I complain about it? I don’t know. I just really don’t know anymore. 
What hurts more, is finding people that I do feel comfortable around and that I really value our friendship, only to discover that to them I’m just another friend – this has happened with a lot of my friends at college recently and it just makes me feel so empty after investing time into friendships that were never meant to be more than just casual friends.
But I’ll survive. I’ll wake up tomorrow ready to fight through the day and this feeling for however long it takes.
Thanks for always being there to listen guys, I really appreciate it.

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Author: Em is Lost

I'm a teenage blogger who loves adventure and the great outdoors. I enjoy blogging about a range of topics including scouting, politics, feminism, world affairs and the life of a teenager in general.

21 thoughts on “//An honest message to myself//”

  1. I feel like this sometimes too but I think a lot of it is about the surrounding. Because school has become this place where stress thrives it kind of sends off a negative atmosphere sometimes and I think this is what makes it difficult to be yourself when there’s so many other people around – it’s hard to focus. I find it easier to interact with people when I’m not at school, so maybe it’s just finding a balance between where you should and would like to be. Also, I doubt that everyone actually likes me a lot of the time but I’m starting to learn that my head is probably just messing with me – a lot of the time people care more about you than you think 🙂 hope you’re okay x

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    1. That is a really good point, school is stressful and I think sometimes even when I hang out with my friends outside of school is still feel uncomfortable being myself because the stress of school is always looming in the background and when I go out instead of studying I always feel guilty and keep telling myself I should be studying which doesn’t help me to relax. Thank you very much for you comment, I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this and I definitely agree our brains do mess with us sometimes and it’s a pain, trying not to overthink things is hard but hoopefully we’ll get there one day Hope you are okay as well x

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      1. Yes, exactly. I’ll be so glad when exams are out the way and I can enjoy summer without all the stress 🙂 I finish school this year and whilst that’s completely terrifying, I’m also really glad to get out of the school atmosphere and work on being more myself. I hope you can too whenever that is 🙂 x

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        1. Yeah! I understand, it is a scary thought but you’ll have more freedom to enjoy being yourself. I left school last year, at the moment I goto sixth form college and next year I’ll go to university so hopefully things will be better at uni x

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            1. well for me it’s been easier this year because I took 4 subjects last year and that was like hell😂but yeah the workload is still a lot and the content has definitely got a lot harder, as well as the layout for the exams, but I think if you’re doing well in year 12 and continue doing so in year 13 you’ll be fine 🙂

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            2. Ah right, I can’t imagine doing four, three is hard enough! Oh great 😂 hopefully I’ll survive this year and be able to cope with next year – I think what I struggle with most is wanting to spend lots of time on all my subjects but realistically it’s more of a juggling act and some weeks you have to prioritise one subject over the others but hopefully I’ll get there eventually!

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            3. Yeah that’s true, especially if you have a lot of homework for a particular subject that week. Sometimes I just feel like revising one subject more than another so I just choose based on that (even though I probably shouldn’t but hey😂) Do you have any idea what you want to do after sixth form?

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            4. Yeah, I get you I do that too, sometimes I just don’t feel like doing one thing about want to spend loads of time on another subject. But I guess at least we’re being productive even if we’re not spending equal time on things 😂 well I want to go to uni and study geography and history but after that no clue, you?

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            5. that’s true yes😂and ooh cool 🙂 I’m sure you’ll get some ideas once you’re there. I’ll be studying English lit and creative writing and ideally I’d love to just be a writer but realistically, I’d like to go into the publishing industry

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