//l o s t//

A while ago, I wrote about how I felt like I was just drifting through life, not knowing which path I’d turn down next and how I felt ‘lost’ because I didn’t know my place in the world. To say that I didn’t still feel lost would be a lie, because I do feel somewhat – if not more – lost than before. But it’s a different kind if lost. As if the lostness has evolved as I’ve changed over the past few months.

Whereas before it was sort of a peaceful, comforting feeling of being lost, because not knowing where I was heading kind of left lots of doors open and I could live by the philosophy of just going with the flow and seeing what happened. Now, however, I feel more lost and confused than ever. Loster, to invent a word (which is now making me think of lobsters but ah well).

Even when I felt lost before, I still knew roughly where I wanted to go and what was important to me, just not how I’d get to where I wanted to be. And now? I feel as if I’ve lost all sense of direction. I’m no longer wandering towards a set goal of where I want to be in the next month, year or the future in general because I’ve changed over the past few months, and so have my goals and dreams.

I think it all started when I began to doubt my academic abilities and limit myself to what I can or will be able to achieve in my studies because I just. Stopped. Believing.

I stopped believing in myself and along with that, stopped dreaming about things I used to want to do or become, and now I’m not even sure if that’s what I want anymore.

Along with my motivation and ambitions, my values have changed too. Trying to balance out studying with friendships and family and mental health feels like I’m on a see saw and if I focus on one thing, the others suffer. There is no equilibrium to reach. I can’t differentiate between what I need and what I want and if what I need is what I want or what I want is what I need. And if something goes wrong with friends for example, it has a knock on effect on everything else until I find myself in a downward spiral of self-depreciation and criticism and just generally not being kind to myself.

Basically, I’m just losing all sense of myself.

But, it’s not necessarily a bad thing because we all change as we grow older and experience new things, and this phase in my life is just part of that. It’s all about working out what makes me happy and what I enjoy, and then thinking about things that might not necessarily be making me happy at the moment (*cough cough* a levels), but I will be grateful for in the future. I just need to remember to be optimistic about what the future might bring and cope as best as I can with changes. A lot of the time I find it hard to try to be optimistic when it feels like everything is crashing down on me at once but then I get moments of inspiration to keep trying, which I cling onto and use to help me through.

Basically, this post turned out to be nothing like what I intended. I’m not really sure what I intended – I just started writing and let the wordsflow, but I guess then it’s more truthful that way??

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well and hopefully I’ll write again soon 🙂

 

 

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Author: Em is Lost

I'm a teenage blogger who loves adventure and the great outdoors. I enjoy blogging about a range of topics including scouting, politics, feminism, world affairs and the life of a teenager in general.

11 thoughts on “//l o s t//”

  1. I actually have a draft post titled lost also pretty much about the same thing. I totally understand how your feeling about school and friends and family. My mom has told me that I seemed to lose my passion for trying new things. Idk I think it’s my friends that are confusing my life. Lol his is a word vomit comment 😊

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    1. Ahh I’m glad someone understands! Being q teen really is difficult and I can relate – friendships can be confusing and intense like one day you can be really close to someone and the next you drift apart, but I suppose that’s part of life – people come and go and I don’t know about you but sometimes it helps me to remember that its not always my fault if I drift apart from friends and it just happens sometimes. But I hope you find somewhere you feel you belong soon as being lost isn’t great. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah, I totally understand this. I feel desolate and rather lost the majority of the time, and what you said about things haveaving a knock-oneffect has never resonated with me so much. We can find an equalibrium, but we can try our hardest. Even if we don’t succeed, we can TRY.

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  3. I understand completely, I had a long phrase a month or two ago where I didn’t have any feeling or emotion and whenever I did, it make me feel depressed. But somehow, and I don’t know how, it settled down. A levels must be scary and I’m only on my gcses and I’m freaking out but don’t give up 🙂 x

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    1. It’s good to know I’m not the only one, I’m glad you’ve escaped that phase though! Yeah they are scary, but I suppose gcses seemed scary for me too when I started them so hopefully it will get better?! And thank you, I will keep going! x

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