A while ago, I wrote about how I felt like I was just drifting through life, not knowing which path I’d turn down next and how I felt ‘lost’ because I didn’t know my place in the world. To say that I didn’t still feel lost would be a lie, because I do feel somewhat – if not more – lost than before. But it’s a different kind if lost. As if the lostness has evolved as I’ve changed over the past few months.
Whereas before it was sort of a peaceful, comforting feeling of being lost, because not knowing where I was heading kind of left lots of doors open and I could live by the philosophy of just going with the flow and seeing what happened. Now, however, I feel more lost and confused than ever. Loster, to invent a word (which is now making me think of lobsters but ah well).
Even when I felt lost before, I still knew roughly where I wanted to go and what was important to me, just not how I’d get to where I wanted to be. And now? I feel as if I’ve lost all sense of direction. I’m no longer wandering towards a set goal of where I want to be in the next month, year or the future in general because I’ve changed over the past few months, and so have my goals and dreams.
I think it all started when I began to doubt my academic abilities and limit myself to what I can or will be able to achieve in my studies because I just. Stopped. Believing.
I stopped believing in myself and along with that, stopped dreaming about things I used to want to do or become, and now I’m not even sure if that’s what I want anymore.
Along with my motivation and ambitions, my values have changed too. Trying to balance out studying with friendships and family and mental health feels like I’m on a see saw and if I focus on one thing, the others suffer. There is no equilibrium to reach. I can’t differentiate between what I need and what I want and if what I need is what I want or what I want is what I need. And if something goes wrong with friends for example, it has a knock on effect on everything else until I find myself in a downward spiral of self-depreciation and criticism and just generally not being kind to myself.
Basically, I’m just losing all sense of myself.
But, it’s not necessarily a bad thing because we all change as we grow older and experience new things, and this phase in my life is just part of that. It’s all about working out what makes me happy and what I enjoy, and then thinking about things that might not necessarily be making me happy at the moment (*cough cough* a levels), but I will be grateful for in the future. I just need to remember to be optimistic about what the future might bring and cope as best as I can with changes. A lot of the time I find it hard to try to be optimistic when it feels like everything is crashing down on me at once but then I get moments of inspiration to keep trying, which I cling onto and use to help me through.
Basically, this post turned out to be nothing like what I intended. I’m not really sure what I intended – I just started writing and let the wordsflow, but I guess then it’s more truthful that way??
Anyway, I hope you are all doing well and hopefully I’ll write again soon 🙂