//Sometimes I Can’t Speak//

Sometimes, I can’t speak. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try or how much I want them to, the words just can’t come out of my mouth. It’s like I have a head full of thoughts and opinions I want to express but sometimes, a lot of the time, I can’t physically get the words to come out of my mouth.

It feels like some invisible hand appears out of thin air and clamps itself around my mouth so that I can’t speak or breath or  do anything but just sit there clenching my teeth, waiting for it to let go and allow me to talk again.

I can’t stand it.

I guess it all stems down to the fear of being judged by people for what I say, the fear of saying something wrong and being humiliated. The fear of putting my opinions out there and making myself vulnerable to criticism and mockery. But when I try to speak, and I find I can’t, these fears aren’t going through my head, not like they used to. I’m not scared of talking to new people or public speaking anymore, I just. Can’t. Get. The. Words. Out.

This is probably why I come across to people as being painfully shy, when really it’s not as bad as they think. Although I still struggle to speak even around my closest friends and family, it’s not so bad as they know me, they know how to make it easier for me to join in with conversations and when to pause to allow me to talk and can tell when I want speak but am struggling to. I can cope with that. Even if they don’t understand exactly, I know they want to talk to me and will take the time to allow me to talk more freely. The problem with being an introvert, or more specifically an INFJ, means that it takes me a very long time to build up friendships with people and feel comfortable around them, or rather it takes people a long time to build up friendships with me because I don’t open up to people often and tend to retreat into myself until I know I can trust them. I suppose sometimes though I do meet people that I just instantly click with, but that is rare.

In class, however, it’s much different to talking to my friends and family. At school, you could get away with just sitting at the back of the class room and not saying much. At college, however, they expect everyone to contribute. Sometimes the tutor will ask a question to the whole class and no one will reply and I can just feel the tutors eyes burning into me like they know I know the answer (which is sometimes the case). This makes the whole hand-clamping-over-mouth thing a thousand times worse. It feels like my voice and words are being physically pushed back into my throat and locked away and with them the chances of me being able to respond to the question, whatever it may be, shrinks and shrinks and shrinks.

Sometimes, I can’t say things that I need to say, no matter how important they are, no matter who I’m saying them to. What’s more, there doesn’t really seem to be a pattern as to when I can’t speak, it just happens whenever when I’m talking to whoever about whatever.

Sometimes, I don’t realise I’ve had one of these episodes of not being able to talk until after it’s happened and I think of all the things I should have said or meant to say but couldn’t, or I just sit there wondering why the conversation ended so abruptly before realising it was because I just lost the ability to talk so the conversation just…stopped.

Perhaps I’ve always been like this, but have only noticed it over the last year or so. Perhaps I’ll always have this problem but eventually just get used to it and stop noticing it. Perhaps I just need to learn to relax more and not pull a part all my little imperfections like this. Perhaps it’s okay to not be able to talk sometimes. Perhaps I’ll never know. Perhaps sometimes I wonder about things too much. Perhaps I’m just a hopeless wonderer…

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Author: Em is Lost

I'm a teenage blogger who loves adventure and the great outdoors. I enjoy blogging about a range of topics including scouting, politics, feminism, world affairs and the life of a teenager in general.

25 thoughts on “//Sometimes I Can’t Speak//”

  1. This is so weird but I literally feel like you just described me…might be to do with the fact that I’m also an INFJ but wow…like I struggle with this all the time and it frustrates me so damn much, especially because the teachers at school do pressurise you to talk and I wish I could just say what’s on my mind but I can’t. It just never works out. And I worry that it’ll affect my references for my uni application – the fact that I never willingly contribute in class – and my interviews later on. It just kinda sucks. So I totally get what you mean. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you can relate and it is so very frustrating to not be able to say what you want when you want. Yes I feel you, I’ve been wanting to apply for jobs but I know I’d struggle in the interviews so keep avoiding it. I hope they take other things into account with uni applications otherwise that is very unfair. I’m glad you commented, I feel less alone and odd and dysfunctional now that I know I’m not the only one who struggles with getting words out. We’ll get through this and learn to embrace our differences one day. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah same here. I’m an adult soon and not being able to speak properly or communicate makes me feel like such a child but I guess that’s life. And yes we can do this, hopefully one day speaking will just come to us without all the worry πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. honestly i feel like this all the time , it feels like you want to speak but you physically can’t and then you get odd looks and people want you to speak, expect you to speak, and you’re just there, shuddering. hope u r ok

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes that’s exactly how it feels! It feels like everyone thinks you’re an idiot because they just don’t understand what it feels like to not be able to speak however much you want to. I am ok, just a little fed up of it, hope you’re alright too. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah exactly. I’ve talked to my English teacher about my issue though and she avoids me now when asking for stuff, but I think it’s become a bit too obvious that she avoids me so now I’m like worried that people will realise and think things :s

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        1. Ahh maybe you could have another word with her and ask if she can ask you questions occasionally so it’s not as obvious but not all the time? I think it’s important to try to contribute in class occasionally, even if it is really hard, because if anything that will help you get used to it I guess. But I understand, it is a horrible feeling to have the teacher just picking on you to answer questions but if she understands your problem then hopefully she won’t mind if you are unable to answer sometimes. As for worrying about people thinking things about you, let them think what they like because you and I know the truth and if they aren’t prepared to try to understand them it’s their loss.

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          1. yeah sometimes i do put my hand up but its so rare that my teacher literally cant contain her open mouth when she sees me doing it. When I was younger, I did it all the time, even when I was wrong. I just liked answering questions. How time changes people… xD thank you, same for you (:

            Liked by 1 person

            1. yeah i guess i just learned that the more i put my hand up the more i got noticed and became more vulnerable to bullying so i thought if i became almost invisible then they might not bully so bad xD

              Liked by 1 person

            2. Yeah I get that, the thing with bullies though they don’t think like us, they just pick on whoever they feel like which sucks but we shouldn’t stop ourselves doing things for fear of them. They don’t deserve anything, certainly not our fear.

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  3. This is me but I’m not an introvert. Neither am I an INFJ but sometimes I can’t say what I want to too. I regret it later and feel so bad. Mine is basically because I’m afraid of mockery. I talk a lot around my friends but new people make me so nervous that I hardly talk.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know you feel but don’t feel bad, it’s not your fault. It’s only natural to be scared of talking to new people and you’re not alone, just try to see the positives and be proud of your successes in talking to new people, even if you just manage to say ‘hello’ or ‘thank you’ etc πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. *hugs* ❀ I get really nervous in, like, specific situations where I feel like I need to be chatty. (And then of course I end up doing the opposite.) I mean, I think it's a little different, but whilst I'm fine talking to people at book club or whatever I just CANNOT at massive family gatherings or kinda school events.

    Liked by 1 person

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