I’ve never really liked change that much, to tell the truth. So it’s not surprising that I’m finding all the changes in my life that are happening at the moment hard to deal with.
As you may remember, I finished school back in June and now I have started doing my A Levels, at sixth form college. Having to go to a new college everyday that’s all the way on the otherside of town from my home and my school just doesn’t feel right yet. I’ve surprised myself in that I’ve been coping relatively well with meeting new people but what I’ve been finding hardest is not seeing my friends that I spent every day at school with for the past five years. I mean, I see some of my friends but the majority I hardly see because not only are we doing different subjects, their timetables are the reverse of mine so we are hardly in college at the same time.
Not only have my educational arrangements changed, I’ve also changed over the summer. So have my friends. We’re not the same people we were a few months back and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not yet. I’m kind of stuck in this phase of feeling really feminine then not feeling feminine at all which is confusing as heck and not something I thought I’d be dealing with this time two months ago, when I was sitting my GCSE exams and preparing to go to prom.
On top of that, I’ve just left Scouts, as you can read about in my last post, which is a big change as I’ve been going to Scouts for the past 8 nearly 9 years of my life. So basically for as long as I remember as I can’t remember much from before I was 7 or 8 years old.
Then finally, perhaps the biggest change of all, is that my sister is leaving for university on Saturday. We’re quite close and get on relatively well so it’s going to be very strange to not have her around 24/7. When she goes away, I think the next time I’ll be able to see her is Christmas. Which feels like years away. What’s more, we don’t have a webcam so we can’t even Skype her to keep in touch.
I’ve known that she’d be leaving me for the past year or so, but it’s come around so quickly. I feel like I should be making the most of these last few days with her, but I’m just so exhausted from my ever-growing workload and the long days at college to do that, not to mention my mood has been all over the place lately and the only thing I feel like doing is shoving music in my ears and reading books. Plus I’m still kind of in denial that all of this is actually happening. Like, because I’ve known she’d be leaving for so long, I guess part of me never expected it to actually happen.
It just feels like my life is never going to be the same again. I’m drifting apart from my friends as we meet new people at college and spend less time with eachother, my sister will go off to university and come back as an independent adult and we will never be as close as we are now again, and I don’t even feel like myself anymore or know who I am.
I guess change can be good, sometimes, but it’s hard to think positively when everything is changing all at once and there’s nothing tethering you down, staying the same, to help guide you through change.
Hope you are all okay! 🙂