I made a voice recording so you can listen to me say all of this here if you want!
Growing up, me and sexuality have had a pretty distant relationship. I mean, for over 10 years I lived without knowledge of it’s existence.
At my Primary School, the whole ‘straight until proven otherwise’ thing was taken to such an extreme that I left that school, at the age of 11, not even knowing that non-heterosexual relationships were even possible. How ridiculous is that?
Anyway, it was when I started secondary school that I first discovered that sexuality was an actual thing, unfortunately due to bullying. Not only did me and my best friend – who also happened to be female – have a sexuality incorrectly enforced upon us, we then had to endure bullying because of our ‘sexuality’. When the bullies decided to grow up and that homophobia wasn’t ‘cool’ anymore, we didn’t even get an apology and had to listen to their false claims of ‘not being homophobic’ knowing full well that they were – or at least had been.
Despite this time in my life being rather unpleasant, I guess it did have some benefits, as it made me aware that sexuality existed and that there are many different sexualities. Since then, I’ve been on a long and confusing journey of trying to discover my sexuality.
Personally, I view sexuality as being a spectrum and you can be anywhere on that spectrum and that’s fine. Although labels can help some people to identify themselves and pinpoint their position on that spectrum, I personally don’t want to label myself with a particular sexuality as I know I’m not 100% sure what my sexuality actually is. One thing I do know is that I am predominantly interested in boys. However over the past year or so, I have started to become interested in girls too. I mean, I get crushes on girls as often as I do guys. What I don’t know is whether these crushes are ACTUAL I-want-to-be-in-a-relationship-with-you crushes, or just general, spur of the moment feelings towards girls. Therefore although I don’t think I am entirely heterosexual, I don’t think I’m bisexual either.
At the moment it feels as if I am just drifting around, not really knowing what direction I am heading in or what path I should follow. But I’m fine with that because I know that one day I will discover my true sexuality and until then, I’ll just have to keep wandering.